Tf"  .  ./  ,  ■.  .tu  '. ,  ^  .  ’ 

^wl:^  .■  ■■  ■-* s?  iV;if- T  l 1  y  • '  • 1 

flk  r  :'r  Wr  '•'■'■■  ■:  V;  ../.  ,  .,  :  ..*  •. 

life <  ^pwJiip-  <  w  « 

Kv  vjtL;  i£v,  **1'^  'hi*,  JfiJjl.lPf  (  lv?'.  ,  Y'i'YiYV  V  >i  1  **'■’.■■  rf  >' 

AS-'i.  •  '  5tJ’-?T! 

•  ;•  rjM  ■  ;  1 

•V :  VJ/ V'.)v/,w!  *  /*.vi» 

fife 

■  "".  :■?.■■'■■■'■«•.  ■■ 

3« 

s ?  ifBrSa  i . BSP t  •  « JfWfc -„■  x&wki tit*  ■  ”,« j?to8< ? « .%•*,  - •  -m- 

^  -i^  v  / ;> ^  a  ■'VjT'  it ■.'  t/./i-  /.  J,  '‘-v  5  .‘<  /rAy 

'^  i\X  '-  -ft’*  )«; 

-,'V  <3 

lif. .  f'j-fytfi 

1.  .  ^'V  ^  ■>  viv‘/'Jrfy:'  -*  ‘  'X-t  '‘^' 

v  '.JII< 

m ifv'i  •  i'  wZ^v-'  ^  • ,f  f  /V. 

(|fi| 

iy 


$:•  f*-.i 


»™<~»  ':'' v'vr\  '••' .'.  ^ 

,Tf  :■• ;  i*  fo,.*':tY-'$‘ 


am* 


Y.  A 


mmm  Ww&*m  w*  »#¥  m  M 

?  MSS'-: x'd’Sif  s -wv '  ?#!■» 
sflfw*  $.  *•>*••.  fe&fW  M 


te* » &•§  ^-^§4#s|  m  ,‘M  M 

m: >;i«Ir*w»  m  &$P# 


.  ':’V  .. 

r|& 


HI  ‘,jT  .  f 


f  *'  *•"•*  4  ,*  >Wr\:'  i-vi  ’ 'f  • 

m^urnim 


LEASE  accept  my  sixth  yearly  Christ¬ 
mas  edition  of  rebuilt  phrases  that 
have  been  caught  while  slipping  off  the  itinerant 
tongues  of  a  people  that  have  made  the  only 
America  that  will  ever  be.  Right  now  while 
you  are  walking  through  this  mad  world,  won¬ 
dering  how  it  will  return  to  its  reason,  save  a 
few  thoughts  for  the  Christ  who  died  for  us  and 
the  balance  of  your  memory  and  assistance  for 
the  poor  unfortunates  right  in  your  own  com¬ 
munity. 


J.  H.  JAYNE. 


SING  A  SONG  OF  BUSINESS 

Suppose  we  hadn’  ever  heard  about  this  blooming 
war; 

Suppose  the  cables  had  been  cut,  that  run  from 
shore  to  shore; 

If  Europe  want’s  to  scrap  around  and  spend  its  cash 
in  hand; 

If  Europe  wants  to  make  itself  look  like  cutover 
land,  then — 

We  should  worry  quite  a  lot  about  the  fighting  game; 

We  guess  the  great  United  States  can  go  on  just  the 
same. 

We’re  big  enough  and  strong  enough  and  have 
enough  of  crops. 

We  need  the  stuff  the  farmers  raise,  the  farmers 
need  the  shops. 

So  let’s  forget  about  the  war,  the  battles  and  the 
bombs,  and 

Keep  on  doing  business  here  until  the  tempest  calms. 


ONT  forget  that  some  poor  devils 
don't  even  have  a  foot  to  put 
in  their  stocking  on  Christmas 


morning. 


4£t  4|4  4|4 


We  have  a  fellow  over  here  who 
broke  his  arm,  trying  to  pat  himself  on 
the  back  for  minding  his  own  business. 

4J4 

Nothing  is  improved  by  anger,  but 
the  arch  in  a  cat’s  back. 


4|4  4^ 

As  a  rule  it  is  cheaper  to  obey  the  law 
than  hire  a  lawyer. 

4|4  4jl  ^4 


It’s  a  good  thing  for  a  community 
that  some  people  are  only  wicked  in  their 
thoughts. 


4|4  4J4  4j4 
4|4  4|4 


HAPPY  home  is  one  in  which 
the  man  can  brag  about  his  fur¬ 
nace  and  his  wife  of  her  beau¬ 
tiful  fern. 

^  yi  ^ 

If  you  have  left  the  Church  your 
Mother  baptized  you  in,  to  whom  have 
you  transferred  your  respect? 

4JJ  §  ^ 

Some  people  live  on  fifty  cents  a 
month— in  jail. 


gt  4^  y* 


Don’t  dig  trenches  when  no  one  is 
firing  at  you. 


/ 


yi  yj 


When  the  merchants  in  a  town  will 
not  trust  a  fellow,  some  girl  tackles  the 
job. 


HE  difference  between  the  idols  in 
the  Old  Country  and  the  idles  in 
this  country  is  that  ours  are  look¬ 


ing  for  work. 


4{1  4J1  i£L 


The  fellow  who  traded  his  summer 
cottage  for  a  car  didn’t  get  much  the  best 
of  it  this  season. 


4JJ- 

If  war  is  declared  in  this  country  the 
majority  of  fellows  will  want  to  carry 
the  megaphone. 


4|4  4J4 


Right  now,  Fords  and  Cousins  have 
about  an  even  break  in  number. 


4^  4{4  4J£ 


If  you  have  anything  to  say  to  a  man 
or  a  mule — say  it  to  their  face. 

■  *♦*  ^  iQ'  ^  i|i  •  •  ■#!  •  ■#»  •  ■>!  •  »#i  <m  !>»♦*#'  •  m  i#»  •  «#■  •  »#i  m  ^ 


4|4  yt  4y 
yi  yi 
yt 


HE  only  good  time  some  men 
allow  their  wives  to  have  is  a 
watch  for  Christmas. 


4|1 

There  are  many  people  who  would 
be  willing  to  exchange  some  of  their  re¬ 
lations  for  a  second-hand  Ford. 


4ji 

When  a  fellow  runs  for  office  he 
finds  out  a  lot  about  himself  that  he 
never  knew  before. 


^  yi 


There  are  two  kinds  of  people  in 
this  world — the  doers  and  the  done-fors. 


yj 


It’s  hard  to  run  an  automobile  on  a 
street  car  income. 


m  4M  4M 
ijl 

i 


mg. 


OME  people  don’t  have  a  head — 
just  a  knot  on  their  body  to  keep 
their  backbone  from  unravel- 


4{1 

Nowadays  some  women  know  so  lit¬ 
tle  about  housework  and  putting  up 
things  that  they  need  someone  to  tell 
them  how  to  preserve  their  virtue. 


y*  y*  yi 


Germany  has  some  overhead  charge 
with  their  Zeppelins. 

4{* 

Every  phonograph  does  not  repre 
sent  a  horn  of  plenty. 


^  4^ 


When  a  fellow  tells  a  joke  in  a  crowd 
everybody  laughs  but  his  wife. 


+*« 


O  WAD  AYS  if  people  use  slang 
they  are  considered  tough.  If 
they  speak  properly  they  are  old 
fashioned. 


yt  4^ 


A  woman  should  allow  a  man  to  kiss 
her  before  she  is  married — if  she  expects 
to  be  kissed  at  all. 


The  first  thing  we  should  do  with  an 
emigrant  when  he  lands  here  is  to  put 
him  in  hot  water. 


4j|  ^  yj 


Some  policemen  are  so  fat  they  can’t 
even  run  down  a  heel. 


4J1  yi 


The  men  wearing  suspenders  are 
still  feeding  the  world. 


HE  only  square  guy  that  never 
lied  to  anybody  was  the  wooden 
Indian  we  took  away  from  in 
front  of  the  cigar  stores,  years  ago. 


Some  men  like  to  have  a  conference 
with  the  emphasis  on  Con. 

^  gl  yi 

When  people  have  credit  they  never 
fuss  about  the  price. 

4|l  4|i  4J1 


People  are  like  apples — the  outside 
varies  but  the  cores  are  the  same. 


4ji  4J1 


Where  is  the  fellow  who  said  it 
would  take  ten  years  to  soak  up  the 
land? 


mi  m  m 

4|i  1|1 

yi 


HE  fellow  with  the  handsomest 
uniform  is  generally  found  the 
farthest  from  the  firing  line  both 
in  War  and  Business. 


4|i  4JJ- 


Business  failures  are  like  pool  games 
— everybody  expects  something  on  the 
bust. 

4JJ-  gf 


Some  fathers  should  teach  their  sons 
to  rotate  their  crops  instead  of  sewing 
wild  oats  every  year. 

ij£  iji  ^ 

An  idle  man  in  an  outo  is  the  big¬ 
gest  kicker  when  a  train  blocks  a  cross¬ 
ing. 

4J1  4j| 

The  next  time  Teddy  discovers  any¬ 
thing  he  should  bring  it  home. 


OME  fellows  can  hole  out  a  golf 
ball  at  forty  feet  but  cannot  hit 
the  furnace  door  with  a  shovel 
full  of  coal. 

4^  4y  m 

Some  church  members  expect  a 
preacher’s  wife  to  be  a  better  minister 
than  he  is  and  to  be  thrown  in  on  his 
salary. 

4|4  4|4  4|4 

It  is  disappointing  to  send  men  to  the 
legislature  to  make  our  laws  and  then 
hire  able  jurists  to  set  them  aside. 


4{4  4|4  4j4 

It’s  surprising  nowadays  how  many 
girls  are  scared  of  a  cook  stove. 

4{4  4{4  4J4 


Efficiency  is  alright  in  everything 
but  religion. 


HE  saloon-keeper  cusses  the 
preacher  for  taking  a  part 
against  liquor,  but  when  he  dies 
the  minister  is  the  first  one  the  family 
calls  upon  for  help. 

y* 


When  you  hide  your  valuables  in  an 
up-to-date  filing  cabinet,  nobody  can 
find  them. 

4^ 


Seems  like  the  women’s  clothes  are 
getting  back  to  the  loose  leaf  system. 


yj.  yi  yi 


Some  boys  seem  to  want  to  take  a 
post  graduate  course  in  the  reform 
school. 


4|4  4J4  4{4 


Why  does  a  lawyer’s  head  always 
itch? 


yi  4j4  4|4 
4j4  4JI 
4j4 


T  will  not  be  long  before  the 
people  will  have  to  work  to  keep 
the  wolf  from  the  garage. 


4J1  4{i 


Beachey  was  like  lots  of  other  peo¬ 
ple — just  kept  fooling  with  something 
until  he  had  to  let  it  alone. 


4{4 


Nowadays  but  very  few  children  are 
built  for  all  kinds  of  weather. 


One  day  last  week  the  farmers  on 
our  west  road  took  home  one  corn  cul¬ 
tivator  and  nine  automobiles. 


There’s  no  use  to  talk  social  justice 
to  a  man  when  he  is  hungry. 


yj  yj  yj 
yj  yj 
yj 


HEN  people  get  married  they 
must  make  up  their  mind  that 
a  home  must  pay  or  go  out  of 
business. 

yi  yi  yi 

The  most  some  people  do  for  a  town 
is  to  leave  it. 

yj  yt  yi 

Some  women  hold  their  age  well, 
because  they  never  give  it  away. 

yi  y* 


Flat  rates  on  tires  are  popular  these 
days. 


yj  yi  yi 


I  think  more  of  a  cheerful  idiot  than 
I  do  of  an  intellectual  grouch. 

yi  yi  yi 

Dirty  city  politics  makes  dirty  streets. 


HE  only  one  that  isn’t  anxious  to 
pass  you  on  the  road  nowadays 
is  the  fellow  with  a  horse  eating 
behind  a  load  of  hay. 

yi 


Life  with  a  woman  that  has  five 
children  is  generally  sew  sew. 

§ 

When  you  look  at  some  men  you 
don’t  know  whether  they  have  a  back¬ 
bone  or  are  just  crooked. 


4JJ- 

The  dope  fiends  have  nothing  to  fall 
back  on  now  but  whiskey. 

^  Q  Q 

When  a  man  buys  an  automobile  the 
first  puncture  is  in  his  pocketbook. 

4{1  4|1 

4|£  y* 

ip 


ON’T  kick  about  your  hard  luck. 
Remember  the  barbers  have  to 
live  on  shavings. 

The  old  training  schools  in  the  wood 
shed  would  still  be  best  for  some  boys. 


^ 


After  a  man  has  married  a  woman 
it  is  his  duty  to  get  acquainted  with  her. 


4^ 


Borrow  more  money  and  make  more 
business. 


4j*  y*  y* 


The  fellows  that  are  kicking  about 
Billy  Sunday  making  money  never  say  a 
word  about  Jack  Johnson  and  Jess  Wil¬ 
lard  splitting  fifty  thousand  dollars  for 
two  hours’  work. 


HINGS  have  got  so  that  when  a 
man  walks  up  the  street  with 
his  wife  he  is  afraid  that  he  will 
meet  some  woman  he  knows  that  his 
wife  is  not  acquainted  with. 

gi  1£  ^ 

Last  year’s  Iowa  corn  crop  made 
every  man  a  “Kernel”. 

t|i  yi  yi 


Women  and  camels  were  built  to 
carry  troubles. 


yj  y*  ^ 


Some  men  get  along  alright  if  they 
have  someone  to  listen  to  them. 


4JJ- 


The  movie  actor  is  the  only  person 
that  can  hear  through  a  wood  door. 


+••* 


yi  yj  yi 

yj  yj 
yi 


HY  not  allow  all  the  doctors  to 
practice,  for  all  “paths”  lead  to 
the  grave  anyway. 


4j*  yi 

This  is  the  only  country  where  there 
is  a  gap  in  the  bread  line  now. 


y*  yi  iji 


Some  women  get  along  well  with  any 
husband. 

yj  yi  yi 

Even  our  undertaker  is  giving  trading 
stamps. 

yi  yi 

Money  to  some  people  is  a  Jack- 
asset. 

yi  yj  yi 

When  a  fellow  hits  a  man  he  should 
be  sent  to  school  instead  of  jail. 


Ill  111  ill 

yi  4ji 

y» 


HIS  year  the  men  attended  to 
their  own  knitting  while  the 
women  folks  tried  to  do  the  knit¬ 
ting  for  the  rest  of  the  world. 


4jl  yt 

People  who  are  doing  things  in  this 
world  have  no  time  to  bother  with 
scruples. 

$ 

If  some  people  didn’t  have  an  Adam’s 
apple  they  would  have  no  chin. 

ty 

Mushroom  raising  is  the  last  hope  of 
a  professional  failure. 


yj.  yi  yt 


You  can’t  hurt  some  people’s  feel 
ings  for  they  have  been  insulted  by  ex 
perts. 


EN  play  poker  for  the  same  rea¬ 
son  that  women  go  to  bargain 
sales — to  get  something  for 
nothing. 

4J1 

It  isn’t  going  to  be  very  long  before 
the  “political  bees”  will  be  forced  to 
live  on  something  besides  liquor. 

4J1 

“Safety  First”  was  created  by  our 
mothers  when  they  first  began  to  dress 
us. 

4J1 


Some  members  of  a  Church  are  old 
laborers — others  co-laborers  and  the  bal¬ 
ance  cold-laborers. 


4|I 


Nowadays  you  cannot  even  wear  hip 
boots  without  first  looking  up  the  styles. 


4|i  4|1 

yi  4{4 

$ 


HYPOCRITE  is  a  man  who  goes 
to  work  in  the  morning  with  a 
smile  on  his  face. 


yi  j£  yi 

Our  canning  factory  has  added  one 
more  line  for  its  trade— candelabr as. 


4JI  4J1 

“B.  V.  D’s.”  are  alright  unless  the 
weather  changes — then  a  fellow  wishes 
he  had  put  on  the  whole  alphabet. 


4J1 

Some  men  are  like  an  egg  sandwich- 
have  a  streak  of  yellow  in  them. 

4|4  4J4 


The  only  time  you  get  your  money 
back  on  a  “tip”  is  when  a  fellow  chases 
your  hat. 


tirely. 


HE  price  of  cars  is  getting  so  low 
that  the  idle  rich  will  soon  be 
forced  to  abandon  motoring  en- 

y*  y*  y* 


Some  of  the  old  countries  have  taken 
their  capital  out  of  circulation. 

y*  yj  y* 

Creditors  find  out  that  some  people 
don’t  live  where  they  used  to  but  live 
where  they  have  moved. 

yj  y*  yi 

Don’t  some  people  get  married  in  the 
most  offhanded  reckless  way  though? 


\$  y*  yi 

/ 

The  fellow  who  had  saved  up  for  a 
rainy  day  must  have  had  some  time  this 
summer. 


BOUT  the  only  time  that  some 
fellows  have  an  affection  for 
Uncle  Sam  is  when  the  band 
plays  “America.” 


y*  y*  yi 

Most  city  automobiles  go  fast  enough 
to  keep  away  from  the  collectors. 

yj-  yj-  yi 


How  do  you  know  your  wife  is  an 
angel?  You  never  saw  one. 


yi  yi  yt 

Our  big  store  has  just  put  in  a  fire 
department. 

yj  yj- 

When  a  general  sales  manager 
promises  you  their  agency  if  you  buy  a 
car,  you  find  out  later  on  that  automo¬ 
biles  are  made  to  sell,  and  not  to  buy. 


F  there  were  no  men  to  dress  up 
for,  the  women  would  all  let 
their  hair  hang  down  their  backs 
and  put  on  more  clothes. 

4JJ-  i£L 

My,  how  some  folks  need  spiritual 
witch  hazel  applied  to  their  hides. 

y*  yi  y* 

How  conditions  have  changed-~Pic- 
ture  films  are  now  taking  the  place  of 
celleloid  collars. 


yi  yt  y* 

Some  people  are  so  thin  that  when 
they  close  one  eye  they  look  like  a 
needle. 

When  a  fellow  only  wants  what  is 
“right”  he  generally  gets  what  is  “left”. 


yj  yj  yj 


yj  y*  yj 
yt  yt 

4J1 


OMEONE  will  some  day  improve 
on  a  cream  separator  so  that  it 
will  make  hard  water  soft — the 
hard  water  coming  out  of  one  spout  and 
the  soft  from  another. 


4ji  yi 

Some  people  let  you  bury  the  hatchet 
by  dodging  it. 

4ji  4ji  yi 


Some  people  act  as  if  they  had  fallen 
on  their  head  when  a  baby. 


4J1 

The  amount  of  kissing  that  folks  do, 
depends  upon  the  length  of  time  they 
have  been  married. 


4|i  ^ 


Which  would  you  rather  have,  the 
stamp  tax  or  a  war? 


yi  yi 

4jl  § 

$ 


HE  principal  reason  that  marri¬ 
ages  are  failures  is  due  to  there 
being  nothing  to  rock  in  the 

cradle. 

4{i  yi  4{i 


Churches  and  lodges  have  just  the 
same  trouble — some  fellows  who  got  in 
should  have  been  blackballed. 

tjl 


Instead  of  some  women  making  a 
man  a  good  wife,  they  make  him  a  good 
husband. 


4|i  4jl  4ji 


There  are  not  many  folks  left  who 
know  the  direction  of  “Gee”  and  “Haw”. 


This  is  a  country  where  we  tell  every 
body  to  be  careful  and  then  we  do  not 
do  it  ourselves. 


OYS  that  are  not  allowed  to  play 
in  the  mud  when  they  are  kids 
are  compelled  to  bathe  in  it  at 
some  mud-springs  when  they  grow  older. 

When  two  men  can’t  settle  their  busi 
ness  by  fair  means  they  go  into  court. 


After  some  girls  get  married  they  add 
six  or  eight  numbers  and  have  one  to 
carry. 

You  cannot  live  back  in  the  days  of 
“Lickin’ ”  and  “Lamin’  ”  and  make  a 
success  of  life  now. 


yi 


It’s  a  cinch  that  “Armageddon”  will 
not  be  on  the  map  next  year. 


411  411  4M 
4|1  4|1 

$ 


AST  year  it  was  so  dry  every¬ 
body  had  to  take  the  pump  out 
and  run  it  thru  the  wringer. 
This  year  we  all  go  to  bed  with  our  rub¬ 
bers  on  and  an  umbrella  under  the  bed. 


4J1 

Men  would  be  just  as  well  off  if  they 
found  out  a  woman’s  weight  instead  of 
her  age. 

4{i  4{i  4J4 

Woodpeckers  and  opportunity  are 
the  only  successful  knockers. 


4^  4{i 


Many  of  the  fellows  now  running  in 
debt  will  walk  back  when  the  note  is 
due. 


Don’t  worry  about  the  hereafter — 
some  people  are  getting  “theirs”  here. 


§ 


OODEN  legs  are  leaving  with  the 
old  soldiers  but  blockheads  are 
taking  their  place. 

yi  4{j- 

If  it  wasn’t  for  gas,  pulling  teeth  and 
selling  mining  stock  would  be  hard  work. 

4ji  4{i  yj 

Some  men  are  mean  enough  to  bor¬ 
row  money  from  a  barber  and  invest 
the  loan  in  a  safety  razor. 

yi  yi 

How  many  of  you  ever  noticed  the 
expression  on  the  face  of  “September 
Morn”? 

§  4J1 


There  is  a  difference  between  a  man 
wanting  to  sell  goods  and  one  trying  to 
sell  them. 


HEN  a  man  arrives  at  an  age 
where  he  knows  something,  he 
has  to  put  in  ail  his  time  fixing 
up  his  hair,  teeth  and  stomach. 


y*  yi  yi 


If  it  wasn’t  for  company  cornin’  in, 
some  women  would  never  clean  up  the 
house. 

y i 

There  are  two  games  that  do  not 
need  a  referee— kissing  and  bowling. 


yj  yj  yi 

If  you  are  so  smart,  where  are  the 
Ten  Commandments  in  the  Bible? 


y*  yj  yj 


Ford  stories  and  movie  actors’  doings 
seem  to  take  up  most  all  of  some  fel¬ 
lows’  time. 


yi  yj  yi 
yj  y* 


HEN  a  boy  gets  into  trouble  you 
can  easily  tell  whether  he  was 
raised  in  a  school-room  or  a 
pool-room. 


y*  y* 


Business  mis-cues  will  tear  the  cloth 
off  any  man’s  breakfast  table. 


yj 

Some  merchants  didn’t  even  have 
what  the  people  called  for  during  the 
War— so  they  sent  a  substitute. 


4j*  yj  y* 


There  is  lots  of  difference  between 
a  man’s  views  and  his  interviews. 


yj  yi  y* 


Things  are  mussed  up  so  across  the 
pond  that  a  man  couldn’t  find  a  piece 
of  cheese  in  the  middle  of  Germany. 


4|4  yi  4JJ- 

y*  yj 


OD  always  sits  beside  every  Pres¬ 
ident  but  seems  to  want  only  a 
bowing  acquaintance  with  Con¬ 
gress. 

y* 

George  Washington  was  first  in 
everything  but  marriage. 


yj-  yt  yi 

The  way  some  women  dress  these 
times,  their  clothes  look  like  the  colors 
of  a  flag  on  the  pest  house. 

4ji  y*  y* 

How  many  pocket  knives  have  you 
had  since  you  were  a  kid? 


4jl  yj  yj 

/ 

Some  men  can’t  give  their  opinion 
about  everybody  because  they  don’t  use 
profanity. 


HE  fellow  who  has  an  eye  open 
when  a  dollar  goes  out,  gen¬ 
erally  has  it  closed  when  he 
takes  it  in. 


y*  if* 


Some  of  us  gave  our  California 
friends  a  glad  surprise  by  not  going 
there  this  year. 


yj  4{i 


There  are  three  sexes — men,  women 
and  preaching. 


yi  ty  y* 

Doesn’t  it  make  you  laugh  when  a 
fellow’s  wife  calls  him  “dear”  in  public? 


§ 

Some  men  never  get  all  the  dirt  back 
in  a  hole,  because  they  don’t  dig  it  deep 
enough. 


4y  yj  yt 
yi  yi 


O  matter  what  we  have  we  want 
something  else.  For  instance, 
Jim  Hill  owns  450  engines  yet 
he  bought  a  saddle  horse. 


4jl  ^ 


When  some  people  get  married  they 
simply  halve  their  joys  and  double  their 
sorrows. 


yi  ^ 


When  a  commission  is  appointed  to 
investigate  the  unemployed,  none  of  the 
unemployed  are  put  on  it 

tjj  iji  yi 


It  is  alright  to  have  music  with  your 
meals  when  your  guests  get  noisy  with 
their  soup. 

✓  yj-  yj  yi 


The  automobiles  are  making  the 
people  put  it  off  until  a  rainy  day. 


4J4  4J*  yj 

yj  yi 
$ 


8J]  INCE  the  vaudeville  started  there 
I  seems  to  be  more  natural  born 
musicians  than  dish  washers. 


4|1  4|i 

President  Wilson  is  the  acknowledged 
high  class  teacher  of  the  “hesitation”. 

4^  4^ 

If  a  man  cannot  worship  in  any 
church  I  would  not  give  much  for  his 
religion. 

4{1 

When  a  man  is  entirely  innocent  he 
never  has  to  ask  his  attorneys  what  to 
say. 

4{*  gf 

If  the  heads  of  corporations  were  not 
compelled  to  give  positions  to  so  many 
of  their  relatives  $25,000  men  would 
not  be  so  scarce. 

yj  yj  yi 
yi  yt 

yj 


HEN  some  married  men  stay  out 
‘  late  at  night,  their  wives  don’t 
go  after  them  until  they  get 

home. 

4|i  4J1 

Lay-members  are  the  ones  that  gen¬ 
erally  lay  off  on  Sunday  instead  of  going 
to  Church. 

4|1 

If  a  man  runs  his  own  furnace  he 
has  but  little  time  to  think  of  his  wife. 


yj 

The  people  who  step  over  the  dead 
line  of  honesty  generally  carry  more 
rings  than  a  cane  rack. 


4J1  4jl 


/ 


Our  county  clerk  has  added  a  divorce 
coupon  to  his  marriage  certificate — as  a 
wedding  present. 


ty  4jJ  IJ 

j|j  yi 
Jjt 


WOMAN  with  sleeves  up  to  her 
elbows  generally  scolds  a  man 
because  he  doesn’t  put  on  his 

cuffs. 


The  day  is  almost  past  when  the  fel¬ 
low  takes  a  drink  in  cold  weather  to 
warm  up,  and  another  during  the  sum¬ 
mer  to  cool  off. 


4jj  4|j 

The  reason  some  folks  have  bad  luck, 
they  marry  more  times  than  they  are 
divorced. 

^1 

While  we  don’t  admire  the  knocker, 
he  sometimes  tells  the  truth. 


gf 


Most  all  good  husbands  are  called 
“henpecked”  by  their  neighbors. 


yi  yi  y* 

4|J  4| 

yj 


HEN  some  automobilists  have  a 
blowout  they  don’t  invite  every¬ 
body  to  the  party. 


yi  yi  yi 


Some  fellows  are  as  honest  as  the  day 
is  long,  but  I  wouldn’t  give  much  for 
their  night  record. 


yi  y*  y* 

Barbers  are  like  dictionaries — change 
their  subjects  often. 


y*  yi  yj 


If  everybody  would  let  whiskey  alone 
there  would  not  be  places  enough  for  the 
big  men  in  this  country. 


y*  yi  yi 


The  mayor  in  our  town  employed  all 
the  Dutchmen  to  clean  out  the  Alleys. 

yj  yi 
* 


HAT  the  waiters  and  porters  do  to 
a  fellow  nowadays  gives  him 
reason  to  make  up  his  mind  that 
the  railroads  do  run  all  steal  trains. 


Men’s  clothes  make  them,  women’s 
clothes  break  them. 


gi  yi  yi 

Some  girls  have  chaperones,  and 
others  have  boils  on  their  necks. 


yj  yi 

Some  fellows  that  hold  a  political  of¬ 
fice  can  bring  up  a  family  easier  than 
they  can  a  bucket  of  coal. 

i 

All  our  doctors  in  town  are  looking 
for  inside  information. 


T’S  alright  to  listen  to  the  patter 
of  the  rain  on  the  roof  if  you 
don’t  have  to  get  up  and  put  a 
tub  under  the  place  where  it  leaks. 

f 

You  will  always  find  a  true  citizen 
in  the  man  who  is  supporting  (not  pro¬ 
fessing)  Christianity. 


A  man  always  has  friends  that  will 
share  his  last  dollar  with  themselves. 


Nobody  ever  got  rich  selling  dyspep¬ 
sia  tablets  to  men  who  toil. 


Nobody  but  old  folks  fuss  about  the 
weather. 


UST  as  soon  as  a  fellow  is  sen¬ 
tenced  to  be  hung  he  tries  to 
unload  his  sins  on  an  Innocent 

Christ. 

4{l  4|£ 

Schools  for  gossip  never  have  a  va¬ 
cation. 

4ji  yi 


A  homestead  means  that  the  United 
States  government  is  willing  to  bet  160 
acres  of  land  against  $14  that  you  can’t 
live  on  the  land  five  years  without  strav- 
ing  to  death. 

4J1 

Some  people  know  so  little  about 
church  services  that  they  “just  do”  what 
the  other  people  do. 

yi 

Leisure  is  like  dynamite,  you  have  to 
be  careful  with  it. 


VERY  fish  hook  should  be 
stamped  right  on  the  point, 
“Made  in  the  U.  S.  A.”  and  then 
every  sucker  will  know  he  is  buying  up- 
to-date  goods. 


yj  y*  y* 


Some  men  are  so  kind  to  dumb  an¬ 
imals  that  they  keep  a  blind  tiger. 

yj 

Don't  argue  with  a  woman — she  will 
always  burst  out  in  a  new  place. 


yj  y*  y* 


Some  people  need  three  roller  skates 
because  they  are  not  on  their  feet  all  the 
time. 


yj  yi  y* 


Every  mother  knows  a  lot  of  things 
that  cannot  be  found  in  a  magazine. 


storks. 


HERE  is  one  thing  nice  about 
using  aeroplanes  these  days — 
not  much  danger  of  running  into 

yi  y*  yi- 


The  woman  who  can  keep  her  hus¬ 
band  in  good  humor  and  out  of  debt  is 
some  wife. 

yi  4^ 

This  country  should  not  be  ruled  by 
public  opinion— because  it  is  formed 
without  knowing  what  is  actually  going 


on. 


y*  yi  yi 


Do  you  remember  when  times  were 
so  good  that  men  waited  their  turn  at  the 
baby  rack? 

yi  yi  yj 

No  red-headed  man  has  ever  claimed 
fame  in  art,  literature,  poetry,  etc.,  nor 
has  a  left  handed  man  at  golf. 

yi  yj  ^ 
yi 

$ 


SNE  of  our  young  men  who  grad¬ 
uated  with  the  highest  honors 
.  from  our  College  is  now  boring 
holes  in  beans,  putting  in  a  grasshopper 
and  selling  them  to  the  city  stores  for 
“jumping  beans”. 


Some  dogs  understand  men  better 
than  men  do. 


Baldheaded  men  should  wear  mohair 
caps. 


Stolen  women  are  like  umbrellas — 
not  sufficiently  valued  to  be  returned. 


If  there  were  no  judges  in  this  coun¬ 
try  everybody  would  carry  a  revolver. 


EARS  ago  the  women  were  afraid 
they  would  lose  their  petticoat — 
now  they  are  petitioning  Con¬ 
gress  to  take  it  away  from  them. 


tjl 


Some  women  always  go  to  Church  on 
Easter,  and  now  and  then. 

yi 

Don’t  forget  that  it  takes  all  of  a 
man’s  time  to  be  a  millionaire. 


y* 

Our  standing  army  may  be  alright  but 
we  can  put  them  all  on  the  bleachers  in 
the  Yale  Bowl. 


y*  yj  yj 


The  best  shots  in  the  world  are  the 
movie  actors— always  hit  ’em  in  the  arm. 

yi  yi  yi 


YOUNG  man  saw  in  his  mind  the 
letters  “P.  C.”  and  thought  it 
prophesied  “Preach  Christ”  but 
instead  it  meant  “plow  corn”. 


4J1 

Everybody  should  think  of  a  bank 
as  a  place  to  put  money  in  instead  of  to 
as  a  place  to  put  money  in  instead  of  a 
place  to  get  money  out  of. 

^  4J1 

The  way  the  girls  dress  their  wish¬ 
bone  it  must  be  as  tough  as  an  old  tur¬ 
key’s. 

yi 


People  get  married  nowadays— win¬ 
ner  take  all. 

'  4JI  ^ 


Very  few  homes  are  built  with  no 
room  for  trouble. 


HE  fellow  who  is  agin’  woman 
suffrage  generally  gives  his 
daughters  about  as  much  time 
as  it  takes  him  to  shave. 


y*  4{4 


Nowadays  the  first  question  business 
asks  you  is,  “Will  you  take  lunch  with 
me?” 


Some  people  could  hide  their  light 
under  a  strawberry  box  with  a  false  bot¬ 
tom. 


4|4  4{4  4|4 


Most  men  in  California  cannot  do 
business  until  the  train  arrives  from  the 
East. 

4|4  4|4 

Funny  how  the  world  is  so  broad 
around  the  waist  and  that  we  are  located 
about  at  the  watch  pocket. 

4{4  4J4  4|4 
4{4  4{4 
yi 


OME  automobiles  go  so  fast  that 
it  takes  two  persons  to  talk  about 
them.  One  to  say  “There  he 
comes”  and  the  other  to  say  “There  he 
goes.” 

4|i  yi  4|j- 

Some  people  never  see  their  relatives 
only  when  they  are  subpoenaed  by  the 
coroner. 

4ji  y*  yj 

The  boys  around  town  wearing  their 
Spring  clothes  look  like  they  had  been 
under  some  fat  woman  when  her  feet 
slipped. 

yi 

The  fellow  who  bossed  the  building 
of  Rome  had  a  steady  job. 


^  yi  y* 


When  we  see  a  preacher  out  in  the 
country  we  always  ask  “Who’s  dead?”. 


N  the  days  when  men  dragged 
their  mates  home  to  their  caves 
by  the  hair— there  were  no  di¬ 
vorces. 

yj 

Some  chauffeurs  are  perfectly  killing. 

yi  y*  yj. 

When  your  best  girl  has  a  crying 
spell  she  should  give  you  a  rain  check 
and  let  you  go  home. 


y* 

When  a  girl  with  a  white  dress  on 
drinks  pink  lemonade  she  resembles  a 
thermometer. 


yj  yi  yi 


If  you  must  get  into  an  argument 
about  the  War,  do  it  with  someone  who 
cannot  talk  English. 


HAT  is  meaner  than  to  say  “Merry 
Xmas”  to  the  mail  clerk  when 
he  only  has  his  head  sticking  out 
of  a  pile  of  packages? 


4jl  4{_4  4{i 

Men  who  have  no  sense  of  humor, 
get  funny  at  the  wrong  time. 

4|4  4^  4^ 

Horse  trading  and  law  suits  are  much 
alike — sometimes  when  you  win  you 
lose. 

4{4  4|4  4JJ 

A  scrap  of  information  generally  ends 
in  a  divorce. 


^4  4|4  4J4 


The  fellow  with  the  silver  tongue 
doesn’t  always  make  the  most  useful 
citizen. 


NE  of  our  boys  goes  to  bed  with 
his  underclothes  on — says  what’s 
the  use  of  taking  them  off,  just 
makes  that  much  more  trouble,  and 
there’s  too  much  trouble  in  this  world 


anyway. 


y*  y* 


Beware  the  trail  of  the  corkscrew— 
it’s  crooked,  that’s  straight. 

Some  men’s  hearts  give  out  before 
their  trousers  do. 


yi  4^  ^ 

Is  a  pair  of  overalls  it  or  them? 


4{4  4{4 


If  a  fellow  could  guess  what  a  woman 
would  wear  next,  it  would  make  him  a 
rich  man. 


HESE  times  the  garages  are  all 
steam  heated  while  the  poor  are 
compelled  to  steal  coal  to  keep 


warm. 


y*  yi  yi 


The  present  war  makes  genuine  econ¬ 
omy  popular,  and  is  the  shock  absorber 
of  extravagance. 

yi 

When  you  see  some  girls  you  make 
up  your  mind  that  their  Father  must  be 
some  gardener  to  raise  such  roses. 

yi  yi  yi 


Some  folks  make  dyspepsia  their 
life’s  work. 

yi  yi  yi 


The  only  difference  between  a  man 
making  music  on  a ,  pipe  organ  and  a 
katydid— the  bug  does  it  easier. 


yj  yj  yi 
yt  yi 
yi 


HERE  wouldn’t  be  much  for  some 
doctors  to  do  if  they  were  not 
called  upon  at  the  beginning  and 
ending  of  things. 

yi  yi 

By  the  appearance  of  some  men’s 
faces  they  haven’t  honed  their  razors 
since  ’76. 

yj  yi  4|£ 

A  business  man  who  drinks  whiskey 
is  one  kind  of  a  bust  developer — usually 
goes  broke. 

yi  yi  yi 

The  knitting  that  the  society  women 
do  nowadays  is  made  out  of  the  yarns 
their  husbands  bring  home. 


4{1  y* 


Let’s  see !  Where  was  the  play¬ 
ground  of  Europe? 


yi  yj  yi 
yj  yt 


OW  does  it  make  you  feel  when 
your  wife  says,  “Now  try  and  act 
natural  in  Church.” 


^  y*  yi 

Very  few  blind  people  go  to  Church 
on  Easter  morning. 

4ji  yi  4|i 


Some  men  are  bulls  on  the  market, 
and  bears  at  home. 


It  hasn’t  been  very  long  since  we 
thought  the  fellow  was  a  dude  who  ran 
around  with  an  automobile. 


yj 


It  must  be  gratifying  to  a  preacher  to 
see  so  many  new  faces  in  his  church 
when  there  is  a  funeral. 


yi 

4J1 

y? 


HAT  is  an  optimist?  A  man  who 
doesn’t  care  what  happens,  just 
so  it  happens  to  the  other  fellow. 
What  is  a  pessimist?  Why  it’s  the  other 
fellow. 

y*  yj  y* 

Nowadays  the  styles  look  like  they 
were  copies  of  mistakes  made  by  the  de¬ 
signer. 

yi  yi  y* 

Some  black  men  carry  a  safety  razor 
only  for  moral  effect. 

y*  yi  yj- 

Why  don’t  you  get  ahead  of  the 
other  fellow  instead  of  getting  even  with 
him? 

y*  yi  yi 

It  seems  as  though  Purity  and  the 
Siamese  twins  departed  from  this  world 
at  about  the  same  time. 


yi  yi  yi 

y*  y* 
y* 


NE  authority  describes  the  fash¬ 
ionable  corsage  as  having  shrunk 
modestly  to  a  mere  band.  It 
looks  to  me  like  something  less  than  a 
string  immodestly  abbreviated. 


4ji  yt 

If  you  want  to  be  on  the  safe  side, 
never  learn  to  hold  the  baby. 

4|4  4{4  4|4 

All  Chicago  people  can  do  on  Sun¬ 
day  is  to  sit  around  a  hydrant. 

4|4  4|4  4J4 


Every  penny’s  worth  of  experience 
has  cost  someone  a  dollar. 


4{4  4|4  4^ 

Good  citizenship  is  the  American 
laundry  that  will  turn  out  clean  politics. 


HE  dry  goods  and  grocery  stores 
are  all  moving  out  in  the  sub- 
burbs  in  order  to  make  more 
room  down  town  for  the  pool  rooms  and 
moving  picture  shows. 

4JI 


Some  fellows  have  no  standing  in  a 
community  because  they  do  too  much 
sitting. 

4j) 

Some  men  are  so  stingy  they  wouldn’t 
give  a  dime  to  see  a  private  earthquake. 

4{1 

Always  be  afraid  of  a  woman  who 
isn’t  afraid  of  a  mouse. 


yi  yi 


Before  a  man  can  help  build  up 
America  he  must  learn  to  work  and  vote. 


iji  ijj  (jj 

yj  yj 
yi 


EFORE  they  are  married  he 
brings  her  violets.  Afterwards 
she  plants  the  seed  and  raises 
them  herself. 


4^  yi 


Some  voters  are  as  honest  with  a 
candidate  as  they  are  with  the  assessor. 


gf 

Some  men  have  been  due  in  Hell  for 
the  last  twenty  years. 

t£f  4|4  ^4 

The  fellow  that  has  allowed  many  op¬ 
portunities  to  pass  has  a  great  future  be¬ 
hind  him. 

4^  ^4  ^ 


Some  men  living  in  Chicago  must  be 
distant  relatives  of  the  thieves  that  were 
met  on  the  road  between  Jerusalem  and 
Jericho. 


HEN  you  are  talking  about  war 
these  days,  be  careful  and  not 
create  any  agitation  that  will 
make  nurses  of  our  wives  and  daughters. 


yi  yi 

The  only  use  we  could  make  of  kings 
in  this  country  would  be  in  a  poker  game. 

In  front  of  a  bar  is  a  poor  place  for 
men  to  stand  up  for  their  rights. 

4jl 

When  a  man  has  a  fuss  with  his  wife 
she  should  be  his  silent  partner. 


“Safety  First”  on  the  Rock  Island 
Railroad  seems  to  apply  only  to  the  of¬ 
ficers’  salaries. 


F  it  wasn't  for  the  lawyers  and 
undertakers,  some  of  our  tight¬ 
wads  never  would  contribute  to 
a  town's  prosperity. 

yi 

When  some  fellows  stay  away  from 
home  long,  they  most  always  come  back 
short. 

yj- 

When  the  Government  passed  a  law 
to  exclude  the  Mongolian  they  should 
have  included  the  dandelion. 


Our  people  are  educated  in  every 
line  but  political  efficiency. 


“Safety  First"  never  did  gain  a  foot¬ 
hold  in  Europe. 


EARS  ago  the  population  of  Wes¬ 
tern  towns  was  known  by  quan¬ 
tity— now  it  is  known  by  qual¬ 
ity. 

yj  yj 

The  cost  of  maintaining  a  dread- 
naught  is  so  great  it  looks  like  good  econ¬ 
omy  to  sink  one  now  and  then. 

gl 


This  winter  the  stock  men  are  not  the 
only  ones  who  are  watching  high  calves. 

An  automobile  hearse  is  alright  but 
who  in  the  world  wants  to  ride  in  it? 


4^ 

The  war  will  end  mighty  quick  when 
someone  begins  shooting  at  the  pocket- 
book. 

yj  yj  yi 

yi  y» 

$ 


OCKETS  are  now  woven  in  ladies’ 
stockings.  Wouldn’t  it  look  fun¬ 
ny  to  see  a  bunch  of  girls  walk¬ 
ing  down  the  street  with  their  hands  in 
their  pockets? 


yi  yj  ^ 

If  Teddy  were  President — the  war 
would  be  over— here. 


People  should  cry  more  at  weddings 
than  at  funerals— they  are  more  uncer¬ 
tain. 

gt  y* 


Do  you  know  of  any  man  who  has 
not  argued  about  the  war? 

'  4JJ-  igl  ^ 


Some  people  still  trim  their  corns  and 
plant  potatoes  by  Jayne’s  Almanac. 


FTER  the  war  is  over  who  is 
going  to  make  the  money  to  pay 
the  widows’  and  childrens’  pen¬ 
sions? 

f 


Every  time  the  assessor  comes  around 
every  fellow  slides  down  in  his  seat  in 
the  tax  coach  and  says  he  is  only  ten 
years  old. 

4{l  4|4 

The  people  in  our  insane  asylums 
have  no  monopoly  on  the  Simple  Life 
nowadays. 

§ 

What’s  the  difference  between  call¬ 
ing  a  man  a  sly  dog  or  a  measly  cur? 

4J1 


The  Democratic  Party  wouldn’t  be  so 
short  of  money  if  they  would  put  a  war 
tax  on  dogs. 


yi  yj  iji 
4JJ  yj. 


T’S  not  much  worse  for  one  Gov¬ 
ernor  to  empty  the  penitentiary 
than  it  is  for  the  other  Gover¬ 
nors  to  empty  the  Treasury. 


4^  4J4 

Industry  is  the  key  to  the  Bread  Box. 

yi  yi  yi 

People  are  troubled  more  with  gossip 
than  pure  thoughts. 


yi  yj  ijt 


There  are  only  two  things  in  the 
world  more  expensive  than  women  and 
wine— politics  and  piety. 


yi  yi  yi 


/ 


The  only  time  that  some  men  get 
near  a  Bible  is  when  they  take  an  obliga¬ 
tion  in  a  lodge  room. 


LL  the  flowers  a  fellow  brings 
his  girl  after  they  are  married 
are  the  two  palms  in  his  hands. 


y*  yi  y* 


An  apple  a  day  will  keep  the  doctor 
away— an  onion  a  day  will  keep  every¬ 
body  away. 

yj- 

A  talking  point  is  any  place  where  a 
Ford  story  can  be  told. 


yi 

The  common  people  are  getting  so 
darned  rich  they  will  soon  want  pearl 
handled  skillets. 


yi 


When  no  strangers  come  to  our  church 
the  collections  are  always  about  the 


yi  ijj 

yj  iji 

§ 


same. 


ROM  the  fact  that  some  men  are 
on  the  square  all  of  their  lives, 
they  have  no  way  to  get  ’  round 
when  they  grow  old. 

4|j  §  4{4 

Any  man  who  remembers  the  stiff 
bosomed  shirt  buttoned  down  the  back 
is  too  old  to  flirt. 


4|i  4|£ 

Judging  from  the  divorce  records  it 
looks  as  if  Hymen’s  torch  was  made  of 
brimstone. 

yi  yi  yj 

When  your  wife  hasn’t  any  clothes 
to  wear  to  a  party  let  her  go  for  a  swim. 


yt  ty 


Some  men  knew  Edison  when  he 
went  to  bed  in  the  dark. 


PREACHER  can  make  a  woman 
believe  the  story  about  Jonah 
and  the  whale,  but  nobody  can 
make  her  believe  some  stories  about  her 
husband. 

y*  yi  4ji 

Censure  is  the  ragtime  talk  of  every¬ 
day  conversation. 


yt  4^  4^ 


When  a  fellow  is  in  love  he  shouldn’t 
believe  all  he  thinks. 


4J1  4j£  4|i 

Which  would  you  rather  do,  dictate 
at  your  office  or  at  home? 

yi  yi  yj 


All  back-sliders  should  be  sent  to  the 
Panama  Canal  and  be  made  to  work  on 
the  Culebra  Cut. 


ys  yi  yj 

yj  yj 

yi 


OLDERS  of  office  who  do  not  en¬ 
force  the  law  are  to  blame  for 
the  large  number  of  moral  crip¬ 
ples  in  the  penitentiaries. 


The  majority  of  women  who  protest 
against  the  tyranny  of  the  male  sex  are 
the  ones  as  a  rule  who  are  not  bothered 
with  them. 


yi 

After  a  while  some  graduated  oddity 
will  advocate  corn  rows  nine  feet  apart 
in  order  to  land  on  the  lecture  platform. 

yj-  yi  yi 


It  would  take  seven  minutes  for  our 
Army  and  navy  to  shoot  off  all  the  am- 
unition  that  we  have  in  this  country — 
after  that  how  would  you  protect  the 
flag? 


HE  foreman  of  a  gang  of  railway 
men  has  more  than  his  share  of 
Irish  wit. 

The  other  afternoon  he  was  walking 
along  his  section  of  the  line  when  he 
found  one  of  his  laborers  fast  asleep  in 
the  shade  of  a  hedge. 

Eying  the  man  with  a  stern  smile,  he 
said,  slowly: 

“Slape  on,  ye  idle  spalpeen— slape  on. 
So  long  as  ye  slape  ye’ve  got  a  job;  but 
when  ye  wake  up  ye’re  out  of  wurrk !” 

j£  4J*  ^ 

This  is  the  day  when  the  automobiles 
take  care  of  the  dollars ;  the  slot  machines 
the  pennies,  and  the  Government  Re¬ 
serve  fund  the  nickles. 

* 


4Ji  4|i 


One  of  our  citizens  has  taken  so  much 
of  Lydia  Pinkham’s  medicine  that  he 
wants  to  vote  the  Suffrage  ticket. 


4M  4M  4M 
yt  4J1 


LE  took  a  moonlight  ride  with  his 
girl.  When  they  had  ridden 
about  twelve  miles  in  almost  per¬ 
fect  silence,  Ole  said  to  her,  “Tillie,  will 
you  marry  me?”  She  replied  that  she 
would.  They  rode  on  for  about  two  miles 
more,  and  Tillie  said,  “Why  don’t  you 
say  something?”  Ole  said,  “I  think  I 
talked  too  damn  much  now.” 


$ 

A  fellow  standing  on  the  street  cor¬ 
ner,  wearing  trousers  that  had  not  been 
pressed  for  such  a  long  time  that  they 
had  formed  big  knees  in  them,  was 
greeted  as  follows  by  an  Irishman  who 
had  been  looking  at  him  for  a  few  min¬ 
utes:  “Why  in  the  world  don’t  ye  jump?” 

$ 

Some  people  have  distant  relatives 
that  are  like  patent  leather  shoes — not 
what  they  are  cracked  up  to  be. 


FELLOW  went  into  a  saloon  and 
asked  for  a  drink  of  whiskey. 
Turning  around  he  happened  to 
see  a  fountain  with  a  mermaid  on  top  of 
it,  with  the  water  up  around  her  arms. 
Addressing  the  bartender,  he  said,  “Say, 
Pal,  what  time  does  the  tide  go  out?” 

A  bath  in  prosperity  washes  away 
the  blues. 

gi  y*  yi 

Gossipers  do  not  pay  any  attention  to 
union  hours. 

yj-  yj  4JJ- 

Politics  is  the  “Self-Starter”  for  al¬ 
most  any  man. 


It*s  pretty  tough  to  hang  a  man  when 
he  is  reading  a  continued  story. 

4jl  y* 
i£L  4j£ 


NE  cold,  wet  and  windy  night  a 
merchant  came  upon  a  negro 
shivering  in  the  doorway  of  an 
Atlanta  store.  Wondering  what  the 
darky  could  be  doing  standing  on  a  cold, 
wet  night  in  such  a  place,  the  proprietor 
said: 

“Jim,  what  are  you  doing  here?” 

“’Scuse  me,  sah,”  said  Jim,  but  I’se 
gwine  to  sing  bass  tomorrow  mornin’  at 
church  and  Tse  tryin’  to  ketch  a  cold.” 

Mistress:  “How  does  it  happen, 
Mary,  that  you  never  saw  finger-bowls 
before?” 

Mary:  “No,  Marm,  where  I  lived 
they  mostly  washed  themselves  before 
they  came  to  dinner.” 

4ji  y* 


Mushrooms  and  umbrella  menders 
pop  up  at  about  the  same  time. 


T  was  in  a  country  store  in  Arkan¬ 
sas.  A  one-gallus  customer 
drifted  in.  “Gimme  a  nickle’s 
worth  of  asafoetida.,, 

The  clerk  poured  some  asafoetida  in 
a  paper  bag  and  pushed  it  across  the 
counter. 

“Charge  it,”  drawled  the  customer. 

“What’s  your  name?”  asked  the 
clerk. 

“Honeyf  unkel. ’  ’ 

“Take  it,”  said  the  clerk.  “I  wouldn’t 
write  asafoetida  and  Honeyfunkel  for 
five  cents.” 


yi  yi  yi 


As  Dupont  now  has  control  of  both 
the  powder  business  and  the  Equitable 
Life  he  will  get  everybody,  coming  or 
going. 

yi 


Experience  is  a  great  teacher,  but  a 
good  wife  is  a  better  one. 


URING  a  concert  tour  of  the  late 
Theodore  Thomas  and  his  cele¬ 
brated  orchestra  one  of  the  mu¬ 
sicians  died,  and  the  following  telegram 
was  despatched  to  his  parents: 

“John  Blank  died  suddenly  today. 
Advise  by  wire  as  to  disposition.” 

In  a  few  hours  the  answer  was  re¬ 
ceived:  “We  are  heart-broken;  his  dis¬ 
position  was  a  roving  one.” 

gf  4J1 

Nowadays  some  women  are  only  do¬ 
ing  slight  housekeeping. 

yi 

A  photographer  gives  some  people 
more  than  a  square  deal. 

y*  ^  y* 

Have  you  given  your  undarned  socks 
to  the  Salvation  Army  yet? 


HE  teacher  who  is  fond  of  put¬ 
ting  his  class  through  natural  his¬ 
tory  examinations  is  often  sur¬ 
prised  by  their  mental  agility.  He  recent¬ 
ly  asked  them,  “What  animal  is  satisfied 
with  the  least  nourishment  ?” 

“The  moth!”  one  of  them  shouted, 
confidently.  “It  eats  nothing  but  holes.” 

It's  strange  that  some  legislatures 
have  not  passed  a  law  creating  wrist- 
watch  inspectors. 


yj  yi  yi 

Few  of  us  ever  get  beyond  the  pun¬ 
ishing  age— when  our  parents  stop,  ex¬ 
perience  begins. 


y*  yj  yj 


If  there  was  no  soap,  what  would 
the  world  look  like? 


T  is  told  by  a  San  Francisco  lawyer 
of  a  Texan  who,  obliged  to  go  to 
Denver  before  the  termination 
of  a  suit  brought  against  him  by  a  neigh¬ 
bor,  left  orders  that  his  attorneys  should 
let  him  know  the  result  by  wire. 

In  a  couple  of  days  he  got  this  tele¬ 
gram;  “Right  has  triumphed,” 

Immediately  the  Texan  wired  back: 
“Appeal  immediately.” 

4{i 

Did  you  ever  slip  on  the  ice  and  re¬ 
peat  the  Lord’s  Prayer  at  the  same  time? 

^  yt  yi 


All  matrimonial  bonds  are  not  divi 
dend  payers. 


Nowadays  a  fellow  must  blow  his  own 
horn,  or  someone  will  fill  it  with  cotton. 

yj  yi  yi 

.  yj  IJI 

s* 


F  any  man  here,”  shouted  the  tem¬ 
perance  speaker,  “can  name  an 
honest  business  that  has  been 
helped  by  the  saloon,  I  will  spend  the  rest 
of  my  life  working  for  the  liquor  people.” 

A  man  in  the  audience  arose.  “I  con¬ 
sider  my  business  an  honest  one,”  he 
said,  “and  it  has  undoubtedly  been  help¬ 
ed  by  the  saloon.” 

“What  is  your  business?”  yelled  the 
orator. 

“I,  sir,”  responded  the  man,  “am  an 
undertaker.” 


yi  yi  yi 

The  Progressives  should  not  feel  bad 
if  the  Republicans  follow  what  Lincoln 
said:  “I  shall  deal  with  them  as  if  they 
never  went  away.” 

y i  yj  yi 


Some  men  are  about  as  true  to  their 
country  as  to  their  wife. 


^  iji 

ty  iji 


HEN  a  certain  Judge  was  driving 
through  Ireland,  night  came  on 
and  he  was  forced  to  go  to  a  hut 
and  ask  for  shelter.  An  Irishman  lived 
there  alone  but  said  he  might  stay  over 
night.  After  they  had  crawled  into  bed 
the  judge  said,  “It  will  probably  be  a 
long  time  before  you  have  an  opportun¬ 
ity  to  sleep  with  a  judge  in  this  county 

•  9f 

again. 

“Yes!  and  it  will  be  a  long  time  be¬ 
fore  you  will  be  judge  in  this  county 
again,”  replied  the  Irishman. 

4J1  4J1  4J1 


This  year  everybody  acts  like  they 
have  been  short-changed;  raising  the 
price  of  everything. 


yj  yi  yi 


The  fellow  who  makes  a  noise  eating 
soup  generally  trys  to  blow  the  foam  off 
of  lemon  pie. 


yj  yi  yi 

yj  yj. 

yj  y* 


HE  supervisor  of  a  school  was 
trying  to  prove  that  children  are 
lacking  in  observation. 

To  the  children  he  said,  “Now,  chil¬ 
dren,  tell  me  a  number  to  put  on  the 
board.” 

Some  child  said,  “Thirty-six.”  The 
supervisor  wrote  sixty-three. 

He  asked  for  another  number,  and 
seventy-six  was  given.  He  wrote  sixty- 
seven. 

When  a  third  number  was  asked,  a 
child  who  apparently  had  paid  no  atten¬ 
tion  called  out, 

“The venty-th even.  Change  that,  you 
darned  thucker!” 


yj 


When  money  talks  almost  every¬ 
body  listens. 


4|J  4J4 


Bad  luck  “gets  everybody”  if  they 
live  long  enough. 


ip  4J4 
ip  4p 
4p 


HEN  the  train  struck  an  automo¬ 
bile  loaded  with  four  men,  it 
scattered  them  to  the  four  winds. 
One  got  up  and  looked  around  for  help. 
An  old  peddler  happened  along  and  said, 
c ‘Anybody  hurt  ?” 

“I  don't  know  but  presume  so,”  was 
the  answer. 

“Anybody  killed.” 

“Don't  know.” 

“Has  the  coroner  been  here?” 

“No.” 

“Has  the  doctor  been  here?” 

“No.” 

“Has  the  claim  agent  been  here?” 
“No.” 

“Then  let  me  lay  down  beside  you.” 

yi  § 

The  fellows  that  are  not  much  on 
looks  can  generally  find  a  drink  in  town 
easier  than  anybody  else. 


Linotyped  and  Printed  by 
COMMERCIAL  ART  PRESS 
Monmouth,  III. 


♦ 


* 


y*  y* 

tji  iji 


t»0 


wmmu 


IfflKgf:  vrjft 


i  .  at.  ■  Jt.f  l  i'  wi,*:  -i»* ', vfiP-TlL 


tt 


Li: 


•H 


W.B 

;« 


p 


I 


kI 


1 


i 


u- 


H  ly&flllL,-,  ..* 

Ip  •  mMmt  Mmsmtti 

■  •}»  «f  r> 

ji.  j  .<<?  *5;|  •> 'J^ru <v  '*594  .  ■ 

fijL**  '»j$rC  ^  SaS  -.3 


i*| 


